Hi all. Since a few of my fellow bloggers have asked me how I manage day to day life “medication free”, I thought I would blog about how I cope from one day to the next without popping the pills.
Please don’t get me wrong, just because I’m managing life without the meds, that doesn’t mean everyone can do the same, on the contrary, because most people definitely need medication. I know if most people with a mental health condition stopped taking their meds they would crash and burn.
I went “med free” back in 2016. I tried a lot of different types of medication, but I just couldn’t function on any of them. I tried to give them time so my body got used to them, but it was no good! As some of you know, I’m a full time carer for my wife, plus at the time I was taking meds, my youngest son was 15 and still at school.
I couldn’t function whatsoever, my son was missing school as I couldn’t get out of bed to take him. I couldn’t care for my wife, as I just lay in bed numb. When I did manage to drag myself out of bed to go to the toilet, I would be shuffling around like someone off the brilliant film: “One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest” lol.
I can remember looking at my reflection in the mirror, and being horrified at who was looking back at me! “Who the fuck is that strange zombie staring back at me”? It frightened the shit out of me, I just didn’t recognise myself! I looked into the dead lifeless eyes staring at me, THIS IS NOT ME! So I thought about coming off the meds, and weighed up the pros and cons.
1: I won’t be a numb zombie.
2: I can be the carer for my wife like I should be.
3: I won’t be affecting my sons education.
4: I will have some sort of feeling, rather than just being numb to everything.
5: I could once again look into the mirror and see Clive, and not a numb zombie staring back at me.
1: I could have another episode, be it manic or depression.
2: there is no 2 as I’ve said it all in “1”
So therefore it was a no brainer for me, the pros just out weighed the cons. Yes I was risking having another episode, and if that happens I won’t be able to be a husband and carer, or a responsible father! I had to take that gamble. I was not going to let these pills turn me into a numb shuffling zombie! I want to have feelings again, I wanted someone to pinch me and I could feel the pain, whereas at the time I couldn’t feel anything, be it pain, emotions, pleasure, or displeasure.
So I gradually weened myself off them, taking a small cut in my dosage each week. I told my doctor what I was planning to do, and he knew I wasn’t going to change my mind, so he told me I’m doing this the right way by coming off the meds gradually.
So here I am now three years med free. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not been all sweetness and light, there’s been a few bumps along the way. These bumps have been small enough to control. I’ve named my two sides of bipolarity “Mr Hyde” (depression) and “White Lightning” (mania). For all my UK fellow bloggers, you will know who “Mr Hyde is. He’s the bad side of the well known film and gothic novel “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde”
Well what can I say about “Mr Hyde”! I hate him, but touchwood he hasn’t fully revealed himself since early in 2016. He used to turn up unannounced at anytime, night or day! He has knocked on my door on a few occasions since I’ve been med free, and got one foot in the door. But I’ve managed to kick the fuckers foot out and locked him out! You can stay out Hyde, go back to the pits from which you’ve spawned!
What can I say about “White lightning”! He’s a wild crazy motherfucker, lol. I used to ride this crazy horse bareback! And what a ride he took me on. I love him, although he has got me into deep shit on a few occasions. I’m learning how to horse whisper, and I’ve managed to get a saddle and reins on him. But he’s a feisty beast and doesn’t like to be controlled, but we are coming to a mutual agreement, if I let him loose once in a while, he’s allowing me to control the pace and direction we are going.
Well fellow bloggers, that’s a bit about how I’m coping medication free. Who knows what will happen in the future? Will I continue to control white lightning? Will I keep Mr Hyde from getting through the front door? This is something I’m always asking myself, but no one knows what the future will bring?.
Maybe Mr Hyde will find a way in the backdoor when I’m least expecting it? Maybe I’ll fall off White Lightning when he’s gone above the pace where I can control him? But I’m sure whatever may happen, I’ll be prepared and I’ll have my family around to help me back on my feet so I can dust myself off.
Thanks for reading my friends, maybe I’ll continue this blog with updates on Mr Hyde and White Lightning, if they “come a creeping up on me” 🎼🎭
for now my friends…..