Hector was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, many years ago. But he’s mainly always manic, it’s very rare he has a low period. He always comes up with, what he thinks is a “brilliant idea” most people that know him, just shrug their shoulders, and think he’s just crazy. But in Hector’s world these ideas are brilliant, and no fucker can tell him otherwise!
One morning Hector had a bad stomach ache. He had a very hot curry the night before, and it was playing havoc in his guts!. “FFS, he said to himself, if I don’t get to the bog rather sharpish, I’m going to shit myself!” So he sprinted up the stairs, with the waft of the protruding turd, trying to escape from his bum hole!.
He frantically fumbled with his buttons, in the hope the turd (💩) would be patient enough, and give him time to get his trousers around his ankles!. But the turd had better ideas, the fucker was already two inches out, and pushing against his Y-fronts!. He managed to plonk his arse down, and then the explosion happened 💣. “OOOOH, FUCK” he cried, as the thing came shooting out like a fucking Exocet Missile! 🚀
In the aftermath of the initial explosion, he could feel a second tremor in the depths of his guts!. “Jesus fucking Christ” he shouted, as the tremor got stronger!. It was at this point he looked up, and was horrified to notice there was no bog roll! 😱. “ FFS” he screamed, it can’t get any worse can it?”. He shouted for his wife…”MARY, MARY!” But she had gone into the garden to tend to her much loved tulips. “Fucking stupid cow” he said angrily. 😡
As he tried to stand up and shake the turd from his bum hole, he had a brilliant idea! 🤔😃. This was no ordinary turd, this was special!. It was at least 12 inches long!. “I know” he said to himself, “I’ll go for a world record. I wonder if I could get into the Guinness book of world records, for “The longest unbroken turd in the world!”.
So he gradually stood up, in an attempt to not break the log, which had now grown to 15 inches!. He felt behind him, grabbed hold of the log, and eased the torpedo out of the bog, which was still growing in length at a fairly rapid rate!. Hector then panicked, as he didn’t want to break his prized turd, which was still attached to his arse!.
So he very carefully squatted down, and laid it on the tiled floor behind him. He then had a better idea, “I’ll crawl on all fours, and see if I can make it to the washing basket, which was just outside of the bathroom”, he said excitedly. So he slowly eased himself forward, in an attempt to reach the basket. But he started to have problems!. The “long length of log” was coming out to fast, it started to loop like fucking Spaghetti! 😱.
“FFS” he said, I’m going to have to crawl faster!. So he scurried along on all fours, in an attempt to straighten out the massive turd. He started to get a rhythm going…3 scurries forward then pause, 3 scurries forward then pause, and so on.
Before he knew it, he had arrived at the washing basket. “fucking Jesus Christ” he gasped, the massive heap of shit that was dangling behind him, must be about 15ft long! 💩💩💩😱. He then thought he would carry on, to see if he could make it to his sons bedroom door, which would make his “long length of log” around 25ft 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩🏆
It took him around 10 minutes, which seemed like forever, to get within 4ft of the bedroom door. The pong that was coming from this long trail of shit, would make you fucking stagger!. He then panicked again, “Oh fuck” he said nervously, I’m going to need proof of this long trail of shit!. So he called his wife again…”MARY! he screamed, “Get the fuck up here with your phone, and take a picture of my turd!”.
She heard him this time and said…”I’m to busy!”. He then got the raving hump and screamed…”LOOK, IM GOING FOR THE FUCKING GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS, FOR THE LONGEST TRAIL OF SHIT, BETWEEN MY ARSE AND THE BOG!” ITS ABOUT FUCKING TIME YOU STARTED TO BEHAVE LIKE A WIFE!”. In all this commotion, the 21ft log broke!! 💩💩💩💩💩 💩💩💩💩💩 😩😭.
Hector could feel the rage inside building up!. He stood up, pulled his trousers up, he didn’t even bother to wipe his arse!. He then stormed down stairs, and hoovered over to her and said…”Mary, you’ve tested me in the past, I was going for the world record, for the longest yardage of shit, between my bum hole and our sons bedroom door, and you’ve let me down!. Well, shall I tell you what I’m going to do now? I’m going to get recognised in the Guinness book of records, as the number 1 fucking tulip crusher in the world!.
So he stormed to the shed, he then tied 2 tennis rackets to his feet, then waddled over to the prized flower bed. He then jumped up and down, for half a fucking hour, until he was exhausted, and said…”Mary, will you fucking take a photo of that”. She then smashed him in the teeth with a wooden mallet!. fucking selfish cow!! 😁👍
Until the next time…
That’s all folks!